It doesnt belong to me anymore so why did I feel so violated?
I drove past my old house. The one I had 2 of the 4 children in. The one where we got our dog in. The one where my sister’s cat died in and where so many birthdays were celebrated and loss was felt.
But here I was, driving by. I know I was secretly hoping to see the house in disrepair by the new owners who bought it from us for no more than we paid for it. But I didn’t see disrepair. Instead I saw a man way up on top of the house, by the big green peaks, siding it. Yes, that’s right, brand new siding. Beautiful cream colored siding.
I was mad. You have no idea. I wanted tojump from my van and scream at that man to get off MY ROOF!! I was jealous, I know and it is wrong because the house doesnt belong to me anymore but I cant help it. Inside my heart, it’s still MY HOUSE. And yet, here are these new people doing the things to it that I wanted my husband to do. I wanted my house sided this beautiful cream color. I wanted those ugly-ass green peaks covered. I hated that green. It stuck out like a sore thumb against the cocoa brown we had painted the house when we moved in.
There are so many good reasons why we never sided the house. But it didnt stop me from weeping as I drove by. Thats my home I kept telling myself. I should be there now, looking forward to the Spring when my daffodils and tulips will pop up under the house’s butter cream colored exterior. How beautiful this home will be next year in the Spring. How lucky these new owners are to have that.
Its selfish and its wrong but I cant help feeling that way. We put alot of work into the old house but we just couldnt afford to do more. We had outgrown it in some ways and in others we just didnt want to be there anylonger. So it was time to move on for us. But i cant help but feel like my heart is still in there. My heart hangs on the outside of that house, looking up at my husband while he painted the peaks that gawd-awful green, shielding my eyes and shouting at him, “Could that green get any louder? My God Honey, I hate that green.” And now here some stranger was, covering it up. How dare He?? Doesnt he know that the ugly, Christmas green means so much to me?? It’s how I identified my home for so long to people, “It’s the Brown house with Christmas Green peaks on the right side… The one right on the corner of the alley. You can’t miss it.” And sure enough you couldnt.
But I still do. Now when I pass by, Will I know it was once mine?